You Were Just Diagnosed with Genital Herpes: Now What?
/Maybe it’s hard to believe right now, but it’s going to be ok. I have been working with people diagnosed with genital herpes for a lot of years, so I am not saying this from some naive belief. It comes from my experience with my patients. Life really can go on after a herpes diagnosis. Many of my clients say that herpes actually forced them to deal with issues that were present before their diagnosis, such as with self-esteem or how they engaged with relationships, and that they ended up better than they were before their diagnosis.
So here’s what I suggest:
1. Breathe.
It’s probably going to take a second for you to wrap your mind around this. That’s ok. In the meantime, I want you to know a few things.
The difficulty with herpes is mostly the mental health impact, leading to feelings of shame, loneliness, and sadness related to social stigma. That’s real. And it sucks. There are no overnight answers, but there is something you can do about these things.
Realize that from a medical perspective, for most people, herpes is minor. I know you might not care since the stigma makes things feel so painful, but I want to at least put your mind at rest about the medical piece. Medical complications from herpes are uncommon.
Unless you are very current with STI education, much of what you think about herpes probably isn’t true. That’s what stigma does. It leads to a lot of myths and misperceptions. A good place to go for readable and up-to-date facts is the Updated Herpes Handbook by Terri Warren who is a medical expert in the field.
There is usually a period of adjustment but most people I’ve worked with eventually move on with their lives. They date, they have sex, they have relationships, and they have families. Fortunately, you are not a pioneer. Many people have gone before you and figured this out. In the last 10 years, more people (writers, comedians, healthcare providers, etc.) have come out publicly about their diagnosis. I know it might be hard to believe right now, but most of my clients go on to have partners who are negative (to their knowledge)—meaning, lots of potential partners are accepting of this diagnosis.
Stigma often leaves you feeling that others will believe you made bad choices and will question your worth. The truth is, herpes is common. Most people have some risk. In addition, most people who have herpes don’t know they have it. So it’s actually not that uncommon for it to be transmitted in ways people don’t suspect, such as in monogamous relationships, between two people who know each other well, and even between people who have asked to see each other’s STI test results (doctor’s don’t usually test for it unless you have symptoms). I won’t pretend that people’s ideas aren’t shaped by stigma but people’s ideas are also influenced by hearing the experience of a real person sitting across from them. There are no guarantees that you won’t experience rejection after telling someone about your diagnosis, but I can tell you that many more people out there are understanding and supportive.
2. Don’t Google.
I discourage googling because there is so much outdated and poorly written information about herpes on the web. If you’d like to read more, go to the list on My Favorite Herpes Resources. I strongly discourage visiting online forums, with the exception of Terri Warren’s medical forum because she is the only one who responds and she does so with facts.
3. Do Things That Make You Feel Like You
You may feel a bit “out of body” right now. And initially it might be hard to feel like yourself while doing things you usually like to do. But try to keep doing those things with some regularity. Herpes did not make you into someone different than you were yesterday. It’s important to stay connected with your true self.
4. Support Groups
If you need to talk with someone who gets it, there are many support groups out there. Many are online since COVID and can be attended from anywhere.
If you’re in New York City, I have an in person therapy group for women diagnosed with herpes.
Here are some online support groups some of my clients have recommended.
If you feel comfortable, friends and family can also be helpful. Many of my clients have found a lot of comfort from telling a friend(s) or family member(s).
5. Get A Copy of Your Results
When you’re ready, get a copy of your results. No need to rush. That said, when you are ready, I think it’s always empowering to have your own copy of your test results and to learn to read them. An important resource I recommend where you can learn more about how to understand your results is The Updated Herpes Handbook by Terri Warren, NP.
Keep Moving Forward
No matter what you do, keep moving forward. Life throws us curve balls that can knock us down for a bit, but you can find your way from this. Many people have. I have heard hundreds of stories, and that is only a small sample of those out there who have emerged out of this!
I hope something from this guide helps you on your way.
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About Melissa King
I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.
**Information on this site is not intended to replace medical advice and does not constitute a psychotherapeutic relationship with the reader.
