Anxious Attachment in Dating and Relationships
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Maybe you’re reading this because another new relationship with someone you really liked just ended or perhaps you are worried it is ending. You feel confused as to what went wrong because you thought you had such great chemistry.
Maybe you noticed a shift, not long ago, that alerted you that something was amiss, that this person was pulling away. Maybe they didn’t text as often, plan dates, or seemed distant. Perhaps there was a conflict or you’ve felt some tension between the two of you.
Maybe you told yourself not to be needy or worry, to be confident and to not show your feelings or angst, or maybe you started to call and text more to seek reassurance from them. Maybe they responded by telling you what you wanted to hear but didn’t really change their behavior, or maybe they finally came out and said that they didn’t feel things were working out, they needed space, or perhaps they just pulled further and further away without saying anything.
Whatever has happened, you can’t stop thinking about it.
A Familiar Experience
Perhaps this experience is one that feels familiar to you—the anxious feelings you experience when wanting a relationship to progress that doesn’t seem to be progressing, to feel close when the other person is not as engaged as you wish they would be, or when you fear that an argument or conflict will result in your partner abandoning you. You start to wonder if there is something you could do to keep their attention, to get them to love you, to get them to open up, or to assure them that you are totally fine with them taking space if they would just tell you that they needed some.
Many of my clients have expressed a desire to be the “cool girl” who is easy going and doesn’t need too much. You worry that something is wrong with you or that your needs are too much for anyone to meet, that if a partner or potential partner knew about them, they would be scared away. Perhaps you feel you have already scared someone away.
Meeting Reasonable Needs
Often, the clients I work with have very reasonable needs. One of the things we work on is identifying those needs and building a healthy sense of expectation for them to be met. Building some self-esteem around healthy desires and normal needs for closeness and good treatment in a relationship can help people begin to choose partners who are more attentive and caring. However, the harder part can be letting go of people you desire and are attracted to who can’t show up in the way that you need them to.
If you are conflicted about whether your needs are legitimate, this can be much harder to do and can result in over-accommodating your partner and feeling there is a lack of reciprocity and mutuality in the relationship.
I also work with clients to unpack and understand why these types of partners are so desirable or whether there is something else that is happening that is breaking down these relationships. Sometimes the relationships are salvageable when my clients learn how to set healthy boundaries for themselves, accept their needs and address them appropriately, and learn how to communicate effectively. But often there is something else going on that drives them to engage in dynamics where they choose and are attracted to individuals who cannot meet their needs.
The good news is that this kind of pattern can be changed to one that is healthier and more satisfying. It’s not easy and takes time, but it’s worth the work.
What If My Needs Really Are Too Much?
Some people might wonder “What if my needs really are too much?” In my practice, I do also have clients who are seeking things from a partner that another person cannot provide, and it’s quite possible that any partner might feel those needs are too heavy of a burden to bear. Sorting through whether this is the case and how to get these needs met appropriately can help individuals have better relationships. Your needs are legitimate and quite real and deserve to be addressed but may not be able to be addressed in the way you are seeking. However, ignoring them or trying to push them away doesn’t work either and usually creates other problems, such as resentment.
Feelings and needs rise up from inside of us, and they are there for a reason. Often, we can feel lost as to how to interpret them or address them. But they should be addressed. There is no shame in having needs.
Counseling can really help with this. But if you aren’t able to do counseling, I recommend doing activities that help you engage in curiosity and understanding about what is going on for you and that help you connect with your body (where we often feel needs first). Journaling can be a great exercise, both journaling about what is wrong but also what is going well. I also recommend the Headspace app for mindfulness. Headspace has created a really accessible way to do mindfulness exercises that can help you quiet down your mind and connect with your internal experience.
I haven’t read it, but many of my clients have also found the book Attached very helpful.
Individual and Group Therapy
If you are in NYC and interested in in-person therapy, I am happy to help. Counseling can provide some relief for anxiety, unpack and resolve patterns that aren’t working, build greater self-awareness, and offer new skills specific to your needs and circumstances. In addition to individual therapy, I also host an ongoing women’s therapy group for women who would like the support and feedback of their peers in addition to a therapist. If you have any questions about working with me or would like a phone consultation, I would be happy to speak with you. You can email me or call me at 917-689-6530.
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About Melissa King
I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.
**Information on this site is not intended to replace medical advice and does not constitute a psychotherapeutic relationship with the reader.
