Finding Love When The People You Love Never Seem to Love You Back

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

Longing for a relationship but having a pattern in which you are always attracted to partners who are wrong for you or partners who aren't interested in a relationship with you can be really painful.

This is especially true when you meet someone you really like. Maybe you've had some deep, satisfying talks with them and really fun times together. It feels like there is so much potential! You can't get them out of your head and find yourself anxiously waiting in anticipation for a text from them or hoping that they will soon make plans to get together with you. But they always seem out of reach, leaving you longing. Ultimately, you learn they don't feel the same or they don't want a relationship. This really hurts and can make you feel like something is wrong with you, like something keeps you from being good enough for someone like this to love you back.

We've been talking about attraction a lot in my women's therapy groups, and I hope it gives you some comfort to know that you are not the only one who goes through this experience. There is research and theory on attraction that can help us understand these patterns and what compels us to repeat them over and over again. The good news is that you can correct the patterns. It's not easy work and doesn't happen overnight, but there is a pathway to healing.

Everyone is unique and there are a variety of components (attraction, boundaries, self-acceptance, vulnerability) that play a role in allowing us to have healthier and more satisfying relationship experiences. But if you find yourself in the pattern described above, I recommend taking some time to listen to an excellent podcast episode that came out last week. The show is hosted by clinical psychologist Dr. Nazanin Moali and her guest does a wonderful job of breaking down the principles of attraction and what drives our desire for individuals who never give us what we long for and who leave us in pain.

As a supplement, another resource I point my clients to for understanding their attraction patterns is the theory of attachment (which you can simply google). The book Attached is based on this theory and has been helpful to many people. I know the book looks a little gimmicky but it is actually based on good science!

Finally, one of my clients found this terrific article in the NYTimes last week which is a playoff of the above patterns....one where you find yourself in a quick whirlwind relationship that feels like the most amazing thing ever and then it crashes not long after it begins: How to Stop Rushing Into Love

Love can be complicated. But if you're reading this and confused by your patterns this Valentines Day I hope you will have some self-compassion and know that, like Ken Page says in the podcast I've linked to, seeking love is not weakness but it is wise. Love is meaningful. We are social beings and working on this part of your life is valid and important.

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About Melissa King

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.

Let's Talk About Herpes Part 2: When To Tell A Partner

The most pressing question many of my clients with genital herpes have, even more than worry about how to tell someone they're dating that they have herpes, is when to tell someone they’re dating that they have herpes.

Most of the clients who work with me describe themselves as preferring sex within the context of a relationship. I do have some clients who enjoy casual sex and who have success disclosing to those partners, but today I’m going to focus on those of you who are seeking something more serious.

First, it’s important to me to help you build a strong sense of self-acceptance and self-esteem so that you can feel happier with yourself and more secure in relationships—and not just secure, but be able to create truly healthy, intimate relationships in which you can be yourself, feel loved, and feel close to your partner. I’m not just interested in helping you to avoid rejection. I want you to have a good life and sometimes rejection, even though it hurts, saves us from misery with the wrong person. Many of my clients say that herpes really helped them to start choosing better quality partners and to weed out partners who weren’t a great fit. I want to help you get to a place where you highly value your own opinions and feelings and make choices throughout a relationship because they’re right for you (not because you're trying to please someone else or guess what they want), including choosing the timing of when to tell someone you're dating.

Thinking Through Timing

Most people agree that disclosure should happen before sexual behavior that puts your partner at risk. Your partner should have an opportunity to make an informed choice, but more importantly, your partner will want to be able to trust you and may question your trustworthiness if you wait until after sex. (That said, I’ve certainly had clients who have chickened out of the talk or sex happened after a night of drinking and they didn’t disclose. If you are there, you are not alone. It also doesn’t mean that there’s no hope for saving your relationship. Believe it or not, I’ve seen disclosures after sex work out. But hopefully this series of articles will help you to avoid being in that position.)

Can You Disclose Too Soon?

While some people delay sharing their status, others are so anxious about disclosing that they want to find out right away whether their new romantic interest is comfortable with herpes. I think disclosing very early is okay if it feels comfortable and natural to you. Sometimes conversation works that way. My concern is that many people do this to avoid anxiety. Rather than trying to be vulnerable and move closer to their new partner, they want to get the rejection over with before they are too invested. In this case, rushing to tell your partner might have more to do with fear of intimacy and vulnerability.

If this is you, take a deep breath. I want to help you get more in tune with yourself so that you’re making choices that feel right rather than just reacting to fear or other challenging emotions.

Tune Into Your Needs

Deciding the right time is unique to each person and each relationship. I wish I could say there is a formula but there's not. That’s why being in tune with yourself, what you need, and how you feel about the person sitting across from you is so important.

Many of my clients do worry about waiting too long and that their new love interest will resent them as a result. They worry that they are being deceptive or that they might be wasting someone’s time by not disclosing early enough.

Let me just say, if someone is spending time with you and enjoying you and making effort to get to know you, you are not wasting their time unless you are misleading them (i.e. you just want someone to pay for your dinner tonight).

You have the right to get to know someone well enough before choosing to disclose personal information. What if you find out you don't even like this person after a few dates? Part of dating is exploring whether a person is worth sharing deeper parts of yourself. 

What About All The Other Things You Have To Give?

Herpes doesn’t negate all the other wonderful things about you that you bring to a potential relationship. What if you have just the right combination of characteristics that your partner needs or is looking for? We might think that the person we’re dating could just go out and date anyone (i.e. someone without herpes), but if it was that easy to find the right match, they would’ve found it already. If your partner is looking for a relationship, then they also want to find someone they have chemistry with, who they enjoy spending time with, and who they feel safe with. What if that person is you? You are unique and have a lot to give.

Besides, none of us get to date and see everything laid out before us right away. There are things you and your partner will discover about each other long after you have been together that you might not like. Maybe you’ll find out about significant money problems, an over-involved parent, an annoying or gross habit, anger issues, or a mismatch in values or dreams. We all take this risk when we are dating. There will be multiple points in every relationship in which information is learned and partners evaluate and decide whether to stay or leave. Getting to know and care about someone helps us make decisions about the information we learn. If we knew everything about our partners from the beginning, most of us would probably be afraid to get involved with anyone, and we’d miss out on all the great things that come with loving someone.

So, please don’t think you are wasting someone’s time. And if someone does get mad at you for waiting to share something personal (when you haven’t put them at risk), please be grateful for the opportunity to learn something about how they handle your feelings and think about whether this person could actually be a good partner to you.

How Will You Know When You're Ready to Tell?

Building self-esteem and choosing a great partner means that part of your work is to prioritize what you think of the person you are dating over what you imagine that person is thinking of you. When you like someone, if you find yourself spending a lot of time worrying about what that person thinks of you and trying to adjust your every move to please them, it’s time to refocus. This is your life. This is your effort and time. Is this person impressing you, not just with their charming smile and magical personality, but in the way that they treat you? Remember what you have to offer. That is valuable. What are they bringing?

Shift dating from trying to win the attention of your new interest to evaluating whether your new interest is worthy of your time and attention. Just because you have herpes doesn’t mean you have to just take what you can get.

You can help yourself recenter in a few ways. Spend some time with friends who make you feel most like yourself. Take some time out to do things you love, even if it means not seeing the person you’re dating that week. Do a little journaling about your feelings and what you think of the person you’re dating. What doubts do you have about them? What do you enjoy? Are you happy with the effort they're putting in?

You can disclose at any point along the way (before sex) that you decide. Most of my clients disclose within the first few months, some on the earlier side (within a few dates), some on the later. Some people are very private and want to know if they want the relationship to become serious before they disclose. Some just want to know enough that they believe the person will respond kindly, regardless of whether they continue dating. Others disclose when they know they are ready to have sex.

Even after thinking everything through and deciding it’s time to tell, you probably will feel nervous and maybe a little insecure. That is okay and totally normal. If you are making a choice and not just reacting, you are taking a step toward intimacy by being vulnerable, and that is a mature and beautiful thing. That is the DNA of a real, healthy relationship. I hope your new romantic interest meets you there, but if not, I hope you will give someone else a chance.

I’ll be continuing this series over the next few weeks, including my usual posts about succeeding in relationships, self-esteem, and mental health. If you find these posts helpful, you can sign up for my newsletter here.

Other Posts In This Series

Talking About Herpes Part 1: Rejection (It Might Not Really Be About Herpes)

Talking About Herpes Part 3: Eight Common Questions Women Diagnosed with Genital Herpes Ask

Talking About Herpes Part 4: My Favorite Herpes Resources

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in Murray Hill, Manhattan. Find out more about me here.

DISCLAIMER

Please remember that we are continuously learning new things about herpes. I will try to keep this post updated but remember that research may come out today that changes what we currently know about herpes. Information on this website is not intended to replace professional medical or psychotherapeutic advice.

Lets Talk About Herpes Part 1: Rejection (It Might Not Really Be About Herpes)

I know it might be hard to believe, but there are a lot of people out there who are not going to be bothered that much by you having herpes. I know because I’ve watched many, many women over the years find partners who just didn’t think herpes was a big deal—and I don’t mean that they searched and searched and finally found one partner who accepted them—I mean that they got out there and dated, and disclosed, and had boyfriends, and lived their lives. I also know because there are great writers out there like Ella Dawson who have disclosed their status publicly and the dating pool has not dried up for them.

Some of these women found their dream partner and are still in a relationship with that person today. Others are still dating, sorting through frogs trying to find their prince. (Note: just because someone accepts herpes doesn’t mean they’re your prince).

But rejection does happen. If you’re out there dating, there’s a chance you’re going to experience rejection at some point. I don’t want to sugar-coat it. I believe “the odds” of finding partners who are ok with herpes are better than you might think, but yes, there are still people who aren’t going to be able to get over the idea of dating someone with herpes.

**The fact that these people are probably putting themselves at risk for herpes anyway is frustrating and a topic for another day.**

I have been working with women with herpes for many years. As a therapist, I find that those who struggled with dating before contracting herpes feel particularly vulnerable. They often feel it was hard enough to meet someone before herpes and have difficulty imagining how they’re going to find love now.

Some people have a pattern of attracting partners who tend to disappear when things get real or serious. Others seem to attract committed partners with ease. This pattern, no matter which one you fall into, tends to stay the same after a herpes diagnosis. For women who tend to be attracted to partners who don’t want to commit, they may experience rejection after disclosing a herpes diagnosis. It then may feel like the rejection was about herpes but really it’s the same pattern that was happening prior to contracting herpes. Things got real and your new romantic interest bailed.

I want you to know that this is not about being pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough, fun enough, sexy enough, or being worth it. It’s about intimacy and security and what we expect from relationships. It often goes back to experiences we had when we were very young, usually related to our relationships with our parents or primary caregivers (though not always). Sometimes these relationship dynamics are subtle. Your parents might have been really great, but there can be subtleties in the patterns that occurred in these relationships that can predict the kinds of partners you’ll be drawn to as an adult, not just the kinds of people you are attracted to but also how you engage in relationships that might be self-defeating without you realizing it.

The good news is that you can correct course. 

You may have heard of secure and insecure attachment. Some of us have secure attachment styles. We feel fairly secure with ourselves and in our relationships. We’re drawn to others who provide love, care, and stability. We feel confident in what we need and deserve and we don’t stick around with partners who treat us poorly. Others of us have insecure attachment styles. We find ourselves feeling familiar with uncertainty in relationships. We may long for intimacy and commitment but when we actually have it or it is offered to us, it is uncomfortable. We tend to be drawn to and excited by partners who are just out of reach. If you find that everyone you like doesn’t like you and the people who like you, you don’t like, there’s a good chance you fall into this category. 

If this is you, my guess is that you don’t want to stay there. The bad news is that herpes can’t be cured. The good news is that we can do something about our relationship patterns. Healing this pattern doesn’t happen overnight. Occasionally people have an “aha” moment and make a quick shift, but most of us have to do some hard self-examination. Change isn’t easy, but change can really be worth the hard work.

So how do you fix the pattern?

1. A lot has been written about attachment. Herpes isn’t easy, but what I want for you is to not blame herpes for something else that is underlying. Knowledge is power. Learn more about attachment and reflect on how it applies to you. Here’s a great article you can start with. And an excellent podcast.

2. John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (is this aging me?) suggested to individuals who tend to be attracted to partners who are bad for them to start dating like you are playing darts. If you always shoot too far to the left, start trying to shoot a little too far to the right. The more you practice, the closer you will get to the center of the board.

3. My favorite thing about psychotherapy is that it really helps us to examine the nuances of our relationships. A psychotherapist can help you see the subtle ways in which you continue to repeat patterns in your life and help guide you through new ways of being and to heal from old relationship hurts.

4. I can’t say enough about group therapy, specifically a psychodynamic oriented group focused on relationships. In NYC, I facilitate a group specifically for women with herpes. But even a general psychotherapeutic group focused on relationships can help you with these patterns. Group is special because you form relationships within the group and this becomes a lab for you to examine the kinds of connections you experience with others. Before joining a group, make sure you ask the therapist if the group deals with relationship issues and uses relationships dynamics within the group to support this process. You can search for therapy groups in your zip code here. 

I have watched genital herpes be the thing that helps women I work with finally start untying the knots of their struggles with relationships, insecurity, and self-esteem and come out on the other side more secure and confident than they were before herpes. No one wants herpes to be the thing that pushes us forward, but life throws everyone curveballs and we can just take it or we can use those experiences as the springboard to launch us into something better.

Would You Like to Work with Me?

I am passionate about helping individuals overcome shame about genital herpes and get on with their life. I offer in person therapy in NYC and virtual therapy to those in Florida and California. Please contact me for a complimentary phone consultation to see if we might be a good fit. 

MORES POSTS IN THIS SERIES

Read Other Posts in the Let's Talk About Herpes Series

If you find these posts helpful, you can sign up to receive notices about blog posts here.

ABOUT MELISSA

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in Murray Hill, Manhattan. Find out more about me here.

DISCLAIMER

Please remember that we are continuously learning new things about herpes. I will try to keep this post updated but remember that research may come out today that changes what we currently know about herpes. Information on this website is not intended to substitute professional medical or psychotherapeutic advice.