5 Ways We Stay Stuck in Cycles of Anxiety and Depression

Some experiences of anxious or depressed feelings are normal. You notice the feeling but have a sense of being in control of it; it doesn’t interfere with your ability to take action, handle your responsibilities, or participate in activities you enjoy--at least not for long. You might even see the sadness or nervousness as a natural part of the circumstances, of healing, moving forward, or being challenged. You cry it out or give yourself a pep talk and then find yourself moving on.

But sometimes anxiety and depression can become more significant, either in intensity, frequency, or duration.

Both can leave you feeling stuck and uncertain about the way out. Sometimes it’s hard to know where the dip or hurdle began or why it seems to be sticking around.

Most people struggling with feelings associated with depression and anxiety want to understand why it is occurring and want to gain some control over these feelings rather than feeling controlled by them.

Below are 5 areas that could be keeping you stuck in a cycle of depression or anxiety. Often depression and anxiety are complex. Solving one issue doesn’t always solve the whole problem. But if you identify with one or more of these, you may be able to start unraveling the tangles.

Procrastination

Procrastination can really make you feel heavy. It’s like carrying a bag on your shoulder and never taking it off or unpacking it to lighten your load. You know you have to do something, whether it’s complete a project, make a decision, or confront someone. You know that completing the task will offer some relief but something is holding you back. Perhaps addressing the matter makes you uncomfortable or maybe you’re afraid of not doing a good job.

If this is you, ask yourself

What is standing in the way?

Is there an additional problem to be solved or do I need more information?

What action do I need to take today?

Sometimes we have really good reasons to procrastinate, but being aware of and conscious about what you are doing is valuable for ultimately moving forward.

Avoidance

Avoidance is similar to procrastination except that with procrastination there is something you know you need to do, but you perpetually put it off for later. You can avoid without procrastinating because you may not have any intention of facing the issue. 

Avoidance is when you go out of your way to evade something uncomfortable. Maybe you’re avoiding someone you feel intimidated by, someone who has hurt you, something that scares you, or the possibility that you might fail or won't live up to others’ expectations.

Addressing avoidance begins with acknowledging what you are avoiding. It can be really helpful to face the circumstance you're avoiding in your mind. Ask yourself about the worst case scenario and how you might survive it.

You can also avoid thoughts. For instance, you might worry that someone doesn’t like you, so you try to think of ways to get them to like you or reassure yourself rather than truly accepting the possibility that they might not like you.

If it's thoughts you are avoiding, you can ask yourself

What if this were true? 

What would it mean?

How might I cope with that?

Exploring the thought doesn't make it true, it just helps you to face the thought and make some peace with it if it is true.

It’s easy to spend a lot of time avoiding uncomfortable feelings, but uncomfortable feelings are a normal human experience. Learning to tolerate those feelings and understand what they are trying to communicate is a valuable life tool.

Thoughts and Beliefs

There are a lot of messages in our society to “think positive,” but sometimes the issues we worry about are realistic. Bad things do happen.

“I’M A FAILURE”

”I’M UNLOVABLE”

But often there are beliefs and thoughts present in anxiety and depression that aren’t exactly accurate. Thoughts like, “I’m a failure,” or “I’m unlovable.” These thoughts and beliefs can make us miserable despite often having some evidence to the contrary. Anxiety and depression can also lead you to falsely predict negative outcomes for situations that are truly unpredictable—and even cause you to self-sabotage in order to make the prediction come true. 

Surprisingly, despite causing pain, we can be really committed to these beliefs and thoughts. They are often a way we try to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to what we think might be greater pain.

Take a moment and reflect on the thoughts that lead to your negative beliefs. Ask yourself if you can really say that each of these thoughts are factually true. Are there any exceptions that prove your belief/thought wrong? Are there realistic possible outcomes besides the negative one you are presuming?

If you find that something really has some evidence to support your concerns, then you can ask,

What can I do about this?

What are some ways I can get through this if my fear is true?

Is there something I can change or improve?

Is there someone who I can talk with about how I’m feeling?

Fear of Conflict

Ugh! That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you need to address something with someone but you are sure the outcome is not going to be good (which, by the way, may not be an accurate belief).

So you keep stuffing it.

You don’t say how you really feel and you don’t ask for what you need. Leaving things unsettled and accepting less than what we deserve can create a heavy emotional burden. It can also lead us to stay in all kinds of relationships that aren’t great for us. Learning some skills for addressing conflict can make a big difference. Garnering up support and a pep talk from a friend or family member before addressing the conflict can also be helpful. In addition, it also takes some self-esteem and self-compassion—believing that your thoughts, feelings, and needs deserve to be voiced and heard. 

Conflict is uncomfortable, so being willing to accept and tolerate the discomfort can be helpful.

If you fear for your safety when it comes to conflict, pay attention to that signal and don’t move forward without talking it over with a professional who has experience with relationships that can feel threatening at times.

Fear of Loss

This is a big one. It’s really easy to get stuck in a depressive or anxious pattern because we are afraid of facing a loss.

Fear of loss can be paralyzing.

You might be afraid of losing the admiration or affection of someone. You might fear someone finding out you aren’t perfect after all and rejecting you. You might fear facing the loss of a dream or losing your health. Identifying what you are really afraid of is really important.

Acknowledging sadness about the loss or potential loss is important, while also identifying how you will get back on your feet despite it being tough.

Fear of loss calls for a lot of self-compassion. It also calls for you to give yourself some credit. Most people are more resilient than they think. If you are reading this, that shows you have some resourcefulness in you. Embrace that belief in yourself.

Be Kind to Yourself

You might notice that all 5 of these have a thread of avoidance running through them. Sometimes we avoid things because we need extra support, new skills, or we just have too much on our plate.

Try not to judge yourself. 

Avoidance just describes a behavior. It can be an effective coping tool for a period of time. But at some point it usually needs to be addressed. I hope that this post helped you identify some areas where you can get brave and take some action.

If you just can't get going or feel overwhelmed by the challenges you need to solve, you don’t have to do it all alone. Even if you are not widely connected, there are places to go for support, whether it be a church, community group, or online support group.

If you'd like to talk with someone in a safe, confidential, and therapeutic space, I am here for you. Individual and group therapy are a great resource for navigating anxiety and depression. 

Most importantly, know that you are not alone. Life is challenging to navigate. But keep going! Be brave!

Melissa

Get Updates about New Blog Posts

If you find these posts helpful, sign-up to receive notices about new blog posts.

About Melissa King

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.

When You Just Can't Get Motivated

Maybe you’re reading this because you’ve got that “blah” feeling. You have tasks on your “to do” list, projects you want to start or finish, a workout plan you want to stick to, but you just can’t seem to get motivated. You probably even know that if you just made yourself get up and out, that you would likely feel better. 

But it just doesn’t happen.

Maybe you are a little depressed. Maybe you’ve been knocked down one too many times. Maybe you just feel like you don’t want to try anymore, that your efforts are not going to make a difference, so you zone out on Netflix, sleep a little extra, or find other things that distract you. 

You might be one of those people that if something good happened, something inspiring came your way, you could be pulled out of the hole. A phone call you’ve been waiting for, a heartfelt email, a great date, a raise. You just need a little hope.

The problem is that when we get into these ruts, we tend to stop engaging in “reward-seeking” behavior—which means we are less likely to expose ourselves to people and activities that would give us the opportunity to get positive things back—things that would encourage us and boost our mood. Rewards could be internal satisfaction about finishing a project, a smile from someone you care about, positive feedback, a job opportunity, etc. When you withdraw, there are just less opportunities to experience these events.

It’s a catch 22. That’s what sucks about it. We get stuck in a cycle. You’re going about your life. Some bad stuff happens, or maybe the problem is that nothing is happening despite all your efforts. You get discouraged and become demotivated. You withdraw and stop doing the things that make you happy or help you make progress. You lose opportunities for support and positive returns because you aren’t engaging in life or connecting with others. As a result, you continue to feel “blah” and withdraw.

It’s hard to get out of the cycle.

So what do you do? 

First, it might take multiple tries and there is not a one size fits all solution. You might need a few of these strategies to get yourself going again.

Strategy 1: 10 Minute Bursts

If you know deep down what would make you feel better, try to start doing just a little bit of it. For instance, if you know getting back to your exercise routine would make a difference, just commit to showing up for 10 minutes (whether it’s running, going to the gym, etc.). Tell yourself that you can stop and go home after that if you don’t want to continue. If it’s working on a project, commit to working on it for 10 minutes today. If you do more great. If not, that’s ok! When you’re done, schedule in your next 10 minute work period.

For many people, once they show up, they are able to keep going. But the point is, each 10 minute investment gives you an opportunity to feel something positive, to make some progress.

Strategy 2: Break the Problem Down into Small Steps

Write down what you think the major problem is. Is it that you hate your job? Is it an issue in a relationship? Is it a health problem? Is it money? Are there a lot of problems that have piled up? Sometimes we get overwhelmed and lose motivation when we can’t figure out how to make change, when the problem feels too big, when we feel discouraged about meeting our goal, or we're unsure what the solution is. 

If there are multiple issues associated with the larger problem, write those down too. Then start to brainstorm solutions to the problem(s) and break the solutions into smaller steps. This helps you to have some structure and gives you a map to follow. Then you can set little goals, such as complete 1 step each weekend or 1 step a day. The important point is that you should make the small steps achievable. Sometimes a step is to get more information, and perhaps nothing more can be done until that happens. If you get stuck coming up with solutions or breaking the solution down into small steps, ask someone for help. You may find after breaking things down, that it’s just one step that is paralyzing you. This might mean getting some courage to push through or finding a way to cope with something that’s uncomfortable.

Strategy 3: Examine Your Thoughts

If you find yourself experiencing a lot of negative thoughts, spend some time answering these questions.

What is the goal?

Example: To feel inspired by my life and feel like my work is meaningful.

What’s the negative thought(s)?

Example: Nothing works out for me. I’m never going to find a better job or meet someone special.

What will happen if I keep thinking this way?

Example: I probably won’t find another job and I will keep feeling bad about myself, which also probably won’t help me meet a great partner.

What is a new, more positive (but believable) thought?

Example: I’m a really kind and loyal person. I am really good at some things. Why should I have a harder time than anyone else who is like me? If I start sending out resumes, I might find something better.

What will happen if I start thinking this way?

Example: I’m more likely to start taking some action and feeling hope. Maybe I’ll socialize more and start feeling better about myself.

Strategy 4: A Little Exercise Outside

This is much harder to do in the winter, I know. But sometimes that cool, brisk air can be really energizing. Exercise is like nature’s antidepressant. It boosts feel good chemicals in our brain. I realize that we are back at square one with this. You need motivation to do it. This is where Tip 1 can be helpful. Try to commit to just 10 minutes of getting your heart rate up in a public space (the park, a gym, speed walking around the block). You could even walk to the next subway stop instead of getting on at the one you usually do. Build it into your day if that’s where you need to start. Push through and do it everyday until your brain starts feeling the positive effects.

Strategy 5: Find Social Support

Getting social support can make a huge difference for many people. If you’ve been isolating yourself for awhile, however, you might not be sure who to call. You can start with just doing some things in public spaces. Read a book at a coffee shop or go to the library or an event in your neighborhood. Think about someone who makes you feel comfortable and who might like to hear from you. If you are spiritual, find a community that shares your faith and start attending regularly.

Strategy 6: Ask For Help

We are all unique and sometimes a list of possible strategies doesn't cut it. We need something more.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When it’s hard to get going, therapy can really make a difference. Individual therapy can give you one-on-one attention each week and help you heal. Group therapy can provide you with peer support, weekly connection, and insight through others’ feedback.

I know finding a therapist can be hard. There are a lot of great therapists out there but you might wonder how to find someone who is the right fit for you. If you are interested in therapy, I offer a free 15 minute phone consultation to help us determine if we are the right fit for each other. If not, I have a large network and will help you find someone who is. 917-689-6530