Flaws Make You Real: Guest Post by Julie Zelig, Psy.D.

Today's post is by Julie Zelig, PsyD, a friend and colleague who is also an inspiration to me. Many of my clients are working to improve body image and I know that many readers of this blog are as well. This is a thought provoking piece I think you will enjoy along with some tips at the end. If you find these blog posts helpful, you can sign-up to receive updates in your inbox to the right of this post - Melissa

---

Flaws Make You Real

by Julie Zelig, PsyD

I recently walked by a store with a sign outside saying: "Flaws Make You Real." This made me wonder, if flaws make you real, then why are so many of us focused on covering up or hiding our imperfections? Human beings are naturally imperfect. We all have distinct blemishes that make us who we are. Why would we wish to be or to look unauthentic?

Perfection has been defined as “the condition, state, or quality of being free, or as free as possible from all flaws or defects”, “the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.” Flaw has been described as a “blemish, defect, failing, weakness, or weak spot.”

Being real and accepting our flaws doesn’t have to equate to weakness.

What if we adjusted our view of what having flaws means, especially about our body image? Body image doesn’t refer to what we actually look like. It refers to the subjective personal picture someone holds of one’s body, meaning that body image is how we see ourselves when we look in the mirror or when we picture ourselves in our minds.

Body image, like self-esteem, doesn’t develop over night. Our earliest experiences (with family, culturally, in past relationships) tend to shape how we view ourselves. The specific messages we receive often influence personal body talk (how we speak to ourselves about our bodies). Images in the media also often contribute to unrealistic expectations of what we should look like.

Although there was no way to control the ways in which your body image developed, you hold complete control of your current beliefs, thoughts, feelings and actions that relate to your physical appearance. Begin the process of having a positive relationship with your beautiful, imperfect, real body.

Tips for creating a more Positive Body Image:

• Ask yourself: What is my personal body image? Write down what your inner voice reveals. In what ways are your current views about your appearance holding you back?

• Explore what factors (family, cultural, past & present relationship experiences) influenced how your body image developed.

• Set goals for personal change.

• Identify healthy habits to incorporate into your lifestyle to align with your goals (e.g., establish a manageable exercise routine, schedule time for taking care of your needs).

• Begin to notice your internal body talk (how you speak to yourself in your head about your body). Observe how these thoughts affect your emotions, mood & behaviors.

• Consistently monitor and let go of unrealistic and critical self-judgments.

• Feed your mind with more accepting positive thoughts. Replace negative thinking with affirmations (such as, “I’m learning to love myself just as I am”, and “ It’s okay for others to see me as I really am.”

• Remember that you are not alone in this journey towards self-acceptance. Body image dissatisfaction is extremely common. It can be beneficial to seek professional support for more guidance on this issue.

A book I recommend if you want to explore body image further is The Body Image Workbook by Thomas Cash.

About Julie

Dr. Julie Zelig completed her doctoral training in California. She is a NY licensed psychologist with a private practice in Manhattan. She provides individual and group therapy to teens and adults with a range of concerns. Her areas of expertise include: anxiety, depression, disordered eating, social anxiety, coping with life transitions, building self-esteem, body image issues, and relationship concerns. 

---

Get Updates about New Blog Posts

If you find these posts helpful, sign-up to receive notices of new posts here. I will never sell your information. You can unsubscribe at any time. View my privacy policy here.

About Melissa King

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.

Anxiety and Solvable vs. Unsolvable Problems

Anxiety can feel debilitating and paralyzing.

You have knots in your stomach. Your thoughts are racing. You toss and turn, wishing you could sleep. Maybe you feel other things too: anger, sadness, self-doubt. 

Anxiety can be difficult to shake. It can become consuming and sometimes lead you to tears.

But anxiety serves a purpose. It often happens when something important to you is threatened. We wouldn’t survive well without it. We need it.

But you might be frustrated with yourself and wish you could take things more in stride. Maybe you feel insecure about something you said to someone, worried about your future, or distressed over a decision you have to make. You might think, “If I were more confident, this wouldn’t bother me so much.”

Pushing anxiety away is often not the answer.

Although anxiety can sometimes seem to get out of control, the more we avoid anxiety and judge ourselves for having it, the more likely it’s going to stick around. 

It can be helpful to find some space for yourself to stop and be with the anxiety for a moment. Notice what you are feeling. Notice the thoughts you are having. This might sound cheesy, but for just a moment, welcome the anxiety and thank your body for alerting you that something is wrong. I say this because if you judge your anxiety or judge yourself for having anxiety, it can’t do it’s job. Making peace with it’s presence in your life can have a lot of value.

Now ask yourself what the anxiety is trying to tell you. Is it alerting you to danger (a problem)? What is the danger? Maybe it’s worry about rejection. Maybe it’s fear of losing your job. Maybe it’s concern about losing an opportunity or concern over risk of embarrassment.

Once you have a sense for what the danger is, 

take a breath. 

Now ask yourself if there is something you can do about the danger (about the problem). If there are a number of issues building up into a larger problem, it can be helpful to list the various concerns. Sometimes we become anxious because we’re not looking at the little solvable pieces but are only looking at the big picture. 

Once you’ve identified each of the problems, ask yourself if there is anything you can do about them. Maybe some of the pieces are solvable and some aren’t. You can create two columns, one for solvable worries and one for unsolvable worries. 

For the solvable worries, you can begin listing potential solutions or next steps. Sometimes the next step for a particular problem or worry is simply, “I need to get more information about this.”

Sometimes you might find that your anxiety is actually centered around only one small piece of what feels like a large problem. For instance, maybe you feel fine about solving most of the problem except that in order to do so, you need to have a conversation with someone you don’t like and that is really the only part causing the anxiety. 

And the unsolvable problems.

If there is nothing you can do about the problem, sometimes it means having to sit with pain or uncertainty. Sometimes it means accepting ourselves and our emotions as we are. We can’t always avoid pain. We can’t always get the things we desperately want when we want them. Sometimes we lose...and it hurts.

Anxiety is sometimes a result of avoiding our pain.

In this instance, it’s ok to shed a few tears, nurture yourself with a good film, or a night out with a friend. You can also try a mindfulness exercise, which I wrote about last week.

If the pain feels overwhelming, it’s really important to get help. Talk to a friend. Call a family member. Find an online or in-person support group. Or seek out a therapist.

We all have to face uncertainty and pain. You are definitely not alone, although I know it can feel that way when you are in it. In American culture, we tend to run from pain and uncertainty, doing whatever we can to solve problems even when they are unsolvable. But we can miss out on valuable elements of humanity and even spirituality when we do this and we miss out on the opportunity to make peace with our anxiety and to connect deeply with others who share our experience.

 

Get Updates about New Blog Posts

If you find these posts helpful, sign-up to receive notices of new posts here. I will never sell your information. You can unsubscribe at any time. View my privacy policy here.

About Me

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.

The Counterintuitive Way to Cope with Anxiety

You know that moment, when your thoughts start racing and your body tenses up? You feel restless and you can’t focus on anything else because you are so overcome with worry, fear, or nervousness. Your stomach might even feel a little queasy.

Anxiety has helped human beings survive since the old ages. It has a purpose. It's there to warn us of danger and to physically prepare us to run or fight. Sometimes the experience of anxiety does it’s job and leads you to act on a problem. Mild anxiety can even help us do better on exams, performances, or presentations.  

But for many people, anxiety can become consuming amidst uncertainty, loss, conflict, vulnerability, or fear. It can feel out of proportion to the context and be paralyzing, leaving you feeling lost at how to manage it. 

When anxiety hits, you might be compelled to do anything to escape it, which can lead to avoiding situations you'd like to be involved with or issues you need to address. This can hinder your ability to enjoy life, take on challenges, socialize, address conflict, or be effective in relationships. If you avoid or escape and then feel calmer, this teaches your brain that avoidance must be the answer to your anxiety. But then you stay stuck in a cycle, always avoiding in order to control the anxiety.

“Avoidance reinforces anxiety.”

It’s common to want to get away from anxiety. No one likes it. But if you notice in the title, this post is about coping not avoiding.

Coping means facing your anxiety head on. Rather than push it away, it’s important to sit with it, to welcome it, to be aware of it. This is imperative if you want to face the things that trigger an anxious response.

I know. This feels so counterintuitive! 

This is where the popular term “mindfulness” comes in. Many people think mindfulness means emptying your thoughts and clearing your mind.

Nope!

In fact, it’s actually the opposite. It’s about ADDING to your thoughts.

Thank God because emptying your mind is incredibly difficult when you’re feeling anxious!

How Do You Do It?

When you’re feeling anxious

1. Take a moment (or some moments) to notice what’s happening. 

2. Name what you’re feeling emotionally. For instance, you might say, “There’s that anxiety again. I’ve felt this before. It’s familiar. I also notice I feel sad and even a little angry.” 

3. Notice the sensations in your body. Name them (tense shoulders, topsy turvy stomach). 

4. Observe your worrisome thoughts. Imagine them on a ticker tape, scrolling by as you read them. What are they? Are there many worries or just one? What do they say you’re most afraid of?

5. See if you are aware of what you are avoiding. Just notice it. Try not to make judgments about your feelings or thoughts.

6. Now, begin to be aware of your five senses. What do you see in the room around you? What do you hear? What does your skin feel? (a cool breeze, a soft fabric?) What do you smell? Take a breath and notice your body sensations again.

7. Now take note of what thoughts are present besides the anxious ones. Is there anything that feels stable in your life? Anything that you are interested in? A book you are reading? A good friend?

Do this all while allowing the anxiety to be present.

If it helps, you can write down your observations while you’re making them—as a journal entry or even as a more visual/artistic collage of words. You can even draw your body and position the words across your body where you feel them or use colors to represent your emotions.

Allowing yourself to be exposed to the feelings of anxiety without trying to avoid them, without telling yourself you shouldn't have them, allows your brain and your body to learn that the feelings themselves aren’t dangerous. With practice, you can learn to feel more in control when anxiety exists. By incorporating awareness of your environment, you exercise your brain into thinking more flexibly. You teach it how to be aware of other things while anxiety is present so that anxiety doesn’t become the full focus, blurring out the rest of your life.

Be careful not to use this exercise to continue avoiding situations you need to address or would like to engage in. If your anxiety really is warning you of danger, by all means listen and stay safe. But if your anxiety is just saying, "Hey, this is a little uncomfortable and I'm nervous," but you know moving forward is necessary for progress, then use the skills to step toward the challenge or difficulty and let anxiety tag along, knowing that it has it's place and purpose. 

Usually, anxiety will come in waves and it will eventually dissipate on it’s own. Allowing the anxiety to be present is the only way to learn this. The more comfortable you get with it’s presence, the less it will take over your life.

There are other approaches to addressing anxiety and if you need support, please reach out to your doctor or a therapist. Also, some anxiety can be caused by medical conditions or medication, so it's good to rule that out. 

Get Updates about New Blog Posts

If you find these posts helpful, sign-up to receive notices of new posts here. I will never sell your information. You can unsubscribe at any time. View my privacy policy here.

About Me

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like me to write about.

Let's Talk About Herpes Part 4: My Favorite Herpes Resources

These are my favorite herpes resources. They include my most recommended sites for facts and information, good books, positive encouraging websites, and some great articles. I hope you find these supportive on your journey.

FACTS/INFORMATION

The Updated Herpes Handbook by herpes expert and nurse practitioner, Terri Warren. View for free: westoverheights.com

Ms. Warren also has a forum on her website that can be viewed for free and medical questions about herpes can be posted for a small fee.

I have looked to Ms. Warren for many years for her opinions and medical expertise with herpes. She is one of the most respected and well-known in this area of medicine.

American Sexual Health Association: Herpes Resource Center
ashasexualhealth.org

BOOKS

The Good News About the Bad News by Terri Warren, RN, NP
Dr. Ruth’s Guide to Talking About Herpes by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

POSITIVE, ENCOURAGING WEBSITES

The STD Project
Ella Dawson
Something Positive for Positive People - Podcast

WORTHWHILE ARTICLES ON THE WEB

Herpes Was the Best Thing to Happen to My Stand-Up Career by Ariel Elias

What It's Like to Have Genital Herpes When You're Pregnant by Britni De La Cretaz

What to Expect When You're Expecting--With Herpes by Britni De La Cretaz

Why I Celebrate The Day I Was Diagnosed With Herpes by Ella Dawson

You Probably Have Herpes and That's Okay (video clip from Adam Ruins Everything)

TEDx Talk by Ella Dawson: STIs Aren't A Consequence, They're Inevitable.

RESEARCH

Recently the US Preventive Services Task Force recommended against routine blood testing for genital herpes in adolescents and adults who don't have symptoms. Whether or not you agree with the position (you are not alone if you disagree--and I plan to write an opinion on the position soon), if you like reading research, this document provides an excellent summary of important areas of research on herpes and will help you understand why they've taken the position they have. Serologic Screening for Genital Herpes: An Updated Evidence Report and Systematic Review for the US Preventive Services Task Force

Further commentary on the above recommendation: A Recommendation Against Serological Screening for Genital Herpes Infection--What Now?

MORES POSTS IN THIS SERIES

Read Other Posts in the Let's Talk About Herpes Series

ABOUT MELISSA

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in Murray Hill, Manhattan. Find out more about me here.

DISCLAIMER

Please remember that we are continuously learning new things about herpes. I will try to keep this list updated but remember that research may come out today that changes what we currently know about herpes. Information on this website is not intended to substitute professional medical or psychotherapeutic advice.

Let's Talk About Herpes Part 3: Common Questions Women Diagnosed With Genital Herpes Ask

Below are some answers to common questions or misconceptions my clients diagnosed with herpes often ask or talk with me about in therapy sessions. I hope these are helpful to you as you process your feelings and thoughts about your diagnosis. 

Isn’t Genital Herpes Type 2 Herpes?

Many people assume that because they have genital herpes that they have type 2 herpes. However, there are two types of genital herpes: Herpes Simplex Type 1 and Herpes Simplex Type 2. Type 1 genital infections are increasing. The only way you can be sure which type you have is through testing (which I’ll talk about later in this post). You cannot tell the difference by looking at the symptoms. Some people think the severity of the first outbreak is predictive of whether it’s type 1 or type 2. Nope. An outbreak of type 1 and type 2 can look the same in appearance. Type 2 does tend to cause more frequent genital outbreaks than type 1 in people who get symptoms.

Most people who have herpes don't recognize symptoms, although once taught, many of these individuals can learn to identify them. People who do experience symptoms tend to get fewer and milder outbreaks over time. Terri Warren, ANP, who is an expert in the field and has lots of experience diagnosing and treating patients with genital herpes, reports that the first year is when the virus is most active and is not a good indicator of outbreaks long-term.

If you are someone who gets symptoms, you are definitely not alone. I see many clients, mostly young women, in my practice who also have symptoms.

Can I Transmit If I Don’t Have Symptoms?

This is probably one of the most frustrating things about herpes. Yes, you can still transmit when you don’t notice any symptoms. With herpes, there is viral shedding, meaning the virus is coming to the surface of the skin without producing recognizable symptoms. Most transmissions occur when people don’t recognize symptoms. Herpes is transmitted through sexual contact with the affected area (intercourse, oral sex, rubbing together of genitals without clothes on). Oral herpes can be transmitted to someone else's lips during passionate kissing when there is asymptomatic shedding or kissing during an outbreak.

Is It Possible My Partner Didn’t Know They Had Herpes?

Yes. If your partner tells you they didn’t know they had herpes, it’s quite likely that they really didn’t know. This is so important because when one partner has a first outbreak, it’s easy to assume the other lied or cheated. Unfortunately, herpes is just not a reliable detector for lying or cheating in a relationship. You will have to use some other method to determine whether your partner is trustworthy. It’s also important to know that you can be in a relationship for years before herpes pops up. In addition, if your partner has type 1 oral herpes (which is very common) and you don’t have type 1, even if your partner hasn’t had a cold sore since childhood, they can still transmit herpes to you through asymptomatic viral shedding. Many people don’t realize that they can transmit oral herpes to their partners genitals when they don’t have a cold sore and this can be very surprising for couples when it happens.

Is Knowing What Type I Have Important?

Knowing what type you have is important because if you have a partner who has the same type, it will be very unlikely that you would transmit to each other in a different location. For instance, if your partner has type 1 on the mouth and you have type 1 genital herpes, you both have antibodies to the type 1 virus. This means you wouldn’t have to think about giving each other herpes in a different location. And since so many people don’t know they have herpes, having your partner get tested can be valuable. Herpes isn’t included in most standard STD testing, so even if your partner has been tested for STDs, there’s a good chance they weren’t tested for herpes. If your partner gets tested, you may find that they have the same virus and type that you do and they just never knew it. If so, this will likely change the conversation you and your partner have about reducing risk of transmission. There are some caveats about blood tests in individuals with no symptoms that you need to know, however, which I will talk more about later in this post.

Can You Pass Genital Type 2 to Your Partner’s Mouth Through Oral Sex?

This question is asked a lot. Yes, it is possible, but type 2 oral infections are uncommon. For some reason, the mouth is not a site of preference for type 2. When type 2 does occur on the mouth, it looks just like a cold sore and it rarely recurs and very rarely sheds virus.

Can I Still Have Babies?

Many women worry that having herpes means they won’t be able to have a safe pregnancy and birth. I hope it comforts you to know that neonatal herpes is very rare. Most women with herpes are able to have a vaginal birth and deliver with no complications with herpes. Contracting herpes in the 3rd trimester creates the most significant risk. The antibodies you develop by having herpes prior to pregnancy contribute significantly to protecting your baby. Partner with your doctor when the time comes to reduce any risks. You can also read this piece about one woman’s experience of herpes during pregnancy and delivery.

Can I Reduce the Risk of Transmitting to My Partner?

Yes. It’s great that you are informing yourself about your diagnosis because you can do a few things to reduce risk to your partner: 1) The most important thing you can do is to get to know your body and learn about your symptoms as well as the sensations you experience just before you see symptoms. Abstain from sex from the time you notice those sensations to the time any lesions have healed. 2) Use condoms. Condoms aren’t 100% protective, but they do reduce risk significantly. 3) Take daily antiviral medication, known as suppressive therapy. One important study showed that daily Valtrex reduced the risk of transmission for people with recurrent type 2 by almost 50%.

Some partners choose to only avoid sex during outbreaks while other partners choose to combine all three precautions. Many long-term partners eventually choose to forego condoms. Most of my clients who use suppressive therapy have reported success in avoiding transmission. Either way, I think relationships work best when partners are aware of and comfortable with the risk.

What Should I Know about Testing?

If you have an outbreak, hopefully your doctor will swab and type it to determine if it's 1 or 2 using a PCR test, which has less chance of a false negative than a viral culture. If your doctor does an IgG based blood test at the same time as your first outbreak, it can help you sort out whether this is a new infection or an old infection (if the swab comes back positive and the blood test comes back negative for the same type, you are likely still building up antibodies which would mean this is a recent infection). But if you don’t have symptoms, you can seek out a blood test. Blood tests are tricky though and it’s very important to be informed about what the results mean. I always recommend that patients get a copy of their results.

The most common and accessible test is the HerpesSelect IgG based test. You don’t want an IgM based test. Some doctors still use them but the CDC recommends against their use in diagnosing herpes. When the HerpesSelect came on the market it was so helpful to many people who had herpes as they could find out if they had type 1 or type 2. The unfortunate thing is that there are problems with false positives for type 2 and false negatives for type 1. Most of the false positives for type 2 have a positive result value between 1.1-3.5 and a large number of those that fall into that range do turn out to be negative. Many doctors don’t have this updated information and diagnose their patients with herpes even when results are in this low positive range. (Keep in mind, if it has been less than 3 or 4 months since exposure, antibodies may still need time to rise.) If you or your partner have a positive result in that low range and don’t have symptoms or have atypical symptoms, it’s important to get confirmatory testing. The best confirmatory test is the Western Blot. There has been a lot written about testing and if you are confused about your results or want to pursue confirmatory testing, I recommend reading the “Diagnosing Herpes” section in the Free Herpes Handbook written by nurse practitioner and herpes expert, Terri Warren.

In someone without symptoms, a positive type 2 blood test is assumed to be genital herpes. In someone who has never had symptoms, a positive type 1 blood test cannot determine the location of infection. If you do have symptoms, don’t simply settle for a visual diagnosis. Visual diagnoses can be unreliable and clinicians have diagnosed things as herpes that are not herpes. 

Can Counseling Help Me Cope with a Diagnosis?

You do not have to go through the experience of being diagnosed or awaiting a diagnosis alone. I have been working with women with herpes for over 20 years. While I know that awaiting a possible diagnosis or having received a diagnosis can be a very difficult emotional experience, I have so much hope for you. I have watched many women work through these difficult feelings and come out stronger on the other side, finding confidence to enjoy dating, sex, and relationships again. While there are no guarantees with therapy, and the success of therapy depends on the work you do in and between sessions, it can be very helpful to talk with someone knowledgeable about herpes and familiar with supporting women in finding a way forward. If you are in NYC and interested in whether therapy might be helpful, please contact me for a complimentary phone consultation.

Other Posts In This Series

Let's Talk About Herpes Part 1: Rejection (It Might Not Really Be About Herpes)

Let's Talk About Herpes Part 2: When to Tell a Partner

Let's Talk About Herpes Part 4: My Favorite Herpes Resources

For More Help and Information

Supporting women with herpes here in New York City is a passion of mine. I do make a point to stay up-to-date, however, I am not a medical expert. If you want to learn more in depth about the topics above, I highly recommend the Free Herpes Handbook, written by nurse practitioner, Terri Warren.

DISCLAIMER

Please remember that we are continuously learning new things about herpes. I will try to keep this post updated but research may come out today that changes what we currently know about herpes. **This information is not intended to replace medical advice or psychotherapy and is not intended to address all the caveats of a diagnosis. I am not a medical provider and simply provide this information as a resource for learning.

Let's Talk About Herpes Part 2: When To Tell A Partner

The most pressing question many of my clients with genital herpes have, even more than worry about how to tell someone they're dating that they have herpes, is when to tell someone they’re dating that they have herpes.

Most of the clients who work with me describe themselves as preferring sex within the context of a relationship. I do have some clients who enjoy casual sex and who have success disclosing to those partners, but today I’m going to focus on those of you who are seeking something more serious.

First, it’s important to me to help you build a strong sense of self-acceptance and self-esteem so that you can feel happier with yourself and more secure in relationships—and not just secure, but be able to create truly healthy, intimate relationships in which you can be yourself, feel loved, and feel close to your partner. I’m not just interested in helping you to avoid rejection. I want you to have a good life and sometimes rejection, even though it hurts, saves us from misery with the wrong person. Many of my clients say that herpes really helped them to start choosing better quality partners and to weed out partners who weren’t a great fit. I want to help you get to a place where you highly value your own opinions and feelings and make choices throughout a relationship because they’re right for you (not because you're trying to please someone else or guess what they want), including choosing the timing of when to tell someone you're dating.

Thinking Through Timing

Most people agree that disclosure should happen before sexual behavior that puts your partner at risk. Your partner should have an opportunity to make an informed choice, but more importantly, your partner will want to be able to trust you and may question your trustworthiness if you wait until after sex. (That said, I’ve certainly had clients who have chickened out of the talk or sex happened after a night of drinking and they didn’t disclose. If you are there, you are not alone. It also doesn’t mean that there’s no hope for saving your relationship. Believe it or not, I’ve seen disclosures after sex work out. But hopefully this series of articles will help you to avoid being in that position.)

Can You Disclose Too Soon?

While some people delay sharing their status, others are so anxious about disclosing that they want to find out right away whether their new romantic interest is comfortable with herpes. I think disclosing very early is okay if it feels comfortable and natural to you. Sometimes conversation works that way. My concern is that many people do this to avoid anxiety. Rather than trying to be vulnerable and move closer to their new partner, they want to get the rejection over with before they are too invested. In this case, rushing to tell your partner might have more to do with fear of intimacy and vulnerability.

If this is you, take a deep breath. I want to help you get more in tune with yourself so that you’re making choices that feel right rather than just reacting to fear or other challenging emotions.

Tune Into Your Needs

Deciding the right time is unique to each person and each relationship. I wish I could say there is a formula but there's not. That’s why being in tune with yourself, what you need, and how you feel about the person sitting across from you is so important.

Many of my clients do worry about waiting too long and that their new love interest will resent them as a result. They worry that they are being deceptive or that they might be wasting someone’s time by not disclosing early enough.

Let me just say, if someone is spending time with you and enjoying you and making effort to get to know you, you are not wasting their time unless you are misleading them (i.e. you just want someone to pay for your dinner tonight).

You have the right to get to know someone well enough before choosing to disclose personal information. What if you find out you don't even like this person after a few dates? Part of dating is exploring whether a person is worth sharing deeper parts of yourself. 

What About All The Other Things You Have To Give?

Herpes doesn’t negate all the other wonderful things about you that you bring to a potential relationship. What if you have just the right combination of characteristics that your partner needs or is looking for? We might think that the person we’re dating could just go out and date anyone (i.e. someone without herpes), but if it was that easy to find the right match, they would’ve found it already. If your partner is looking for a relationship, then they also want to find someone they have chemistry with, who they enjoy spending time with, and who they feel safe with. What if that person is you? You are unique and have a lot to give.

Besides, none of us get to date and see everything laid out before us right away. There are things you and your partner will discover about each other long after you have been together that you might not like. Maybe you’ll find out about significant money problems, an over-involved parent, an annoying or gross habit, anger issues, or a mismatch in values or dreams. We all take this risk when we are dating. There will be multiple points in every relationship in which information is learned and partners evaluate and decide whether to stay or leave. Getting to know and care about someone helps us make decisions about the information we learn. If we knew everything about our partners from the beginning, most of us would probably be afraid to get involved with anyone, and we’d miss out on all the great things that come with loving someone.

So, please don’t think you are wasting someone’s time. And if someone does get mad at you for waiting to share something personal (when you haven’t put them at risk), please be grateful for the opportunity to learn something about how they handle your feelings and think about whether this person could actually be a good partner to you.

How Will You Know When You're Ready to Tell?

Building self-esteem and choosing a great partner means that part of your work is to prioritize what you think of the person you are dating over what you imagine that person is thinking of you. When you like someone, if you find yourself spending a lot of time worrying about what that person thinks of you and trying to adjust your every move to please them, it’s time to refocus. This is your life. This is your effort and time. Is this person impressing you, not just with their charming smile and magical personality, but in the way that they treat you? Remember what you have to offer. That is valuable. What are they bringing?

Shift dating from trying to win the attention of your new interest to evaluating whether your new interest is worthy of your time and attention. Just because you have herpes doesn’t mean you have to just take what you can get.

You can help yourself recenter in a few ways. Spend some time with friends who make you feel most like yourself. Take some time out to do things you love, even if it means not seeing the person you’re dating that week. Do a little journaling about your feelings and what you think of the person you’re dating. What doubts do you have about them? What do you enjoy? Are you happy with the effort they're putting in?

You can disclose at any point along the way (before sex) that you decide. Most of my clients disclose within the first few months, some on the earlier side (within a few dates), some on the later. Some people are very private and want to know if they want the relationship to become serious before they disclose. Some just want to know enough that they believe the person will respond kindly, regardless of whether they continue dating. Others disclose when they know they are ready to have sex.

Even after thinking everything through and deciding it’s time to tell, you probably will feel nervous and maybe a little insecure. That is okay and totally normal. If you are making a choice and not just reacting, you are taking a step toward intimacy by being vulnerable, and that is a mature and beautiful thing. That is the DNA of a real, healthy relationship. I hope your new romantic interest meets you there, but if not, I hope you will give someone else a chance.

I’ll be continuing this series over the next few weeks, including my usual posts about succeeding in relationships, self-esteem, and mental health. If you find these posts helpful, you can sign up for my newsletter here.

Other Posts In This Series

Talking About Herpes Part 1: Rejection (It Might Not Really Be About Herpes)

Talking About Herpes Part 3: Eight Common Questions Women Diagnosed with Genital Herpes Ask

Talking About Herpes Part 4: My Favorite Herpes Resources

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in Murray Hill, Manhattan. Find out more about me here.

DISCLAIMER

Please remember that we are continuously learning new things about herpes. I will try to keep this post updated but remember that research may come out today that changes what we currently know about herpes. Information on this website is not intended to replace professional medical or psychotherapeutic advice.

Lets Talk About Herpes Part 1: Rejection (It Might Not Really Be About Herpes)

I know it might be hard to believe, but there are a lot of people out there who are not going to be bothered that much by you having herpes. I know because I’ve watched many, many women over the years find partners who just didn’t think herpes was a big deal—and I don’t mean that they searched and searched and finally found one partner who accepted them—I mean that they got out there and dated, and disclosed, and had boyfriends, and lived their lives. I also know because there are great writers out there like Ella Dawson who have disclosed their status publicly and the dating pool has not dried up for them.

Some of these women found their dream partner and are still in a relationship with that person today. Others are still dating, sorting through frogs trying to find their prince. (Note: just because someone accepts herpes doesn’t mean they’re your prince).

But rejection does happen. If you’re out there dating, there’s a chance you’re going to experience rejection at some point. I don’t want to sugar-coat it. I believe “the odds” of finding partners who are ok with herpes are better than you might think, but yes, there are still people who aren’t going to be able to get over the idea of dating someone with herpes.

**The fact that these people are probably putting themselves at risk for herpes anyway is frustrating and a topic for another day.**

I have been working with women with herpes for many years. As a therapist, I find that those who struggled with dating before contracting herpes feel particularly vulnerable. They often feel it was hard enough to meet someone before herpes and have difficulty imagining how they’re going to find love now.

Some people have a pattern of attracting partners who tend to disappear when things get real or serious. Others seem to attract committed partners with ease. This pattern, no matter which one you fall into, tends to stay the same after a herpes diagnosis. For women who tend to be attracted to partners who don’t want to commit, they may experience rejection after disclosing a herpes diagnosis. It then may feel like the rejection was about herpes but really it’s the same pattern that was happening prior to contracting herpes. Things got real and your new romantic interest bailed.

I want you to know that this is not about being pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough, fun enough, sexy enough, or being worth it. It’s about intimacy and security and what we expect from relationships. It often goes back to experiences we had when we were very young, usually related to our relationships with our parents or primary caregivers (though not always). Sometimes these relationship dynamics are subtle. Your parents might have been really great, but there can be subtleties in the patterns that occurred in these relationships that can predict the kinds of partners you’ll be drawn to as an adult, not just the kinds of people you are attracted to but also how you engage in relationships that might be self-defeating without you realizing it.

The good news is that you can correct course. 

You may have heard of secure and insecure attachment. Some of us have secure attachment styles. We feel fairly secure with ourselves and in our relationships. We’re drawn to others who provide love, care, and stability. We feel confident in what we need and deserve and we don’t stick around with partners who treat us poorly. Others of us have insecure attachment styles. We find ourselves feeling familiar with uncertainty in relationships. We may long for intimacy and commitment but when we actually have it or it is offered to us, it is uncomfortable. We tend to be drawn to and excited by partners who are just out of reach. If you find that everyone you like doesn’t like you and the people who like you, you don’t like, there’s a good chance you fall into this category. 

If this is you, my guess is that you don’t want to stay there. The bad news is that herpes can’t be cured. The good news is that we can do something about our relationship patterns. Healing this pattern doesn’t happen overnight. Occasionally people have an “aha” moment and make a quick shift, but most of us have to do some hard self-examination. Change isn’t easy, but change can really be worth the hard work.

So how do you fix the pattern?

1. A lot has been written about attachment. Herpes isn’t easy, but what I want for you is to not blame herpes for something else that is underlying. Knowledge is power. Learn more about attachment and reflect on how it applies to you. Here’s a great article you can start with. And an excellent podcast.

2. John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (is this aging me?) suggested to individuals who tend to be attracted to partners who are bad for them to start dating like you are playing darts. If you always shoot too far to the left, start trying to shoot a little too far to the right. The more you practice, the closer you will get to the center of the board.

3. My favorite thing about psychotherapy is that it really helps us to examine the nuances of our relationships. A psychotherapist can help you see the subtle ways in which you continue to repeat patterns in your life and help guide you through new ways of being and to heal from old relationship hurts.

4. I can’t say enough about group therapy, specifically a psychodynamic oriented group focused on relationships. In NYC, I facilitate a group specifically for women with herpes. But even a general psychotherapeutic group focused on relationships can help you with these patterns. Group is special because you form relationships within the group and this becomes a lab for you to examine the kinds of connections you experience with others. Before joining a group, make sure you ask the therapist if the group deals with relationship issues and uses relationships dynamics within the group to support this process. You can search for therapy groups in your zip code here. 

I have watched genital herpes be the thing that helps women I work with finally start untying the knots of their struggles with relationships, insecurity, and self-esteem and come out on the other side more secure and confident than they were before herpes. No one wants herpes to be the thing that pushes us forward, but life throws everyone curveballs and we can just take it or we can use those experiences as the springboard to launch us into something better.

Would You Like to Work with Me?

I am passionate about helping individuals overcome shame about genital herpes and get on with their life. I offer in person therapy in NYC and virtual therapy to those in Florida and California. Please contact me for a complimentary phone consultation to see if we might be a good fit. 

MORES POSTS IN THIS SERIES

Read Other Posts in the Let's Talk About Herpes Series

If you find these posts helpful, you can sign up to receive notices about blog posts here.

ABOUT MELISSA

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in Murray Hill, Manhattan. Find out more about me here.

DISCLAIMER

Please remember that we are continuously learning new things about herpes. I will try to keep this post updated but remember that research may come out today that changes what we currently know about herpes. Information on this website is not intended to substitute professional medical or psychotherapeutic advice.

When You Just Can't Get Motivated

Maybe you’re reading this because you’ve got that “blah” feeling. You have tasks on your “to do” list, projects you want to start or finish, a workout plan you want to stick to, but you just can’t seem to get motivated. You probably even know that if you just made yourself get up and out, that you would likely feel better. 

But it just doesn’t happen.

Maybe you are a little depressed. Maybe you’ve been knocked down one too many times. Maybe you just feel like you don’t want to try anymore, that your efforts are not going to make a difference, so you zone out on Netflix, sleep a little extra, or find other things that distract you. 

You might be one of those people that if something good happened, something inspiring came your way, you could be pulled out of the hole. A phone call you’ve been waiting for, a heartfelt email, a great date, a raise. You just need a little hope.

The problem is that when we get into these ruts, we tend to stop engaging in “reward-seeking” behavior—which means we are less likely to expose ourselves to people and activities that would give us the opportunity to get positive things back—things that would encourage us and boost our mood. Rewards could be internal satisfaction about finishing a project, a smile from someone you care about, positive feedback, a job opportunity, etc. When you withdraw, there are just less opportunities to experience these events.

It’s a catch 22. That’s what sucks about it. We get stuck in a cycle. You’re going about your life. Some bad stuff happens, or maybe the problem is that nothing is happening despite all your efforts. You get discouraged and become demotivated. You withdraw and stop doing the things that make you happy or help you make progress. You lose opportunities for support and positive returns because you aren’t engaging in life or connecting with others. As a result, you continue to feel “blah” and withdraw.

It’s hard to get out of the cycle.

So what do you do? 

First, it might take multiple tries and there is not a one size fits all solution. You might need a few of these strategies to get yourself going again.

Strategy 1: 10 Minute Bursts

If you know deep down what would make you feel better, try to start doing just a little bit of it. For instance, if you know getting back to your exercise routine would make a difference, just commit to showing up for 10 minutes (whether it’s running, going to the gym, etc.). Tell yourself that you can stop and go home after that if you don’t want to continue. If it’s working on a project, commit to working on it for 10 minutes today. If you do more great. If not, that’s ok! When you’re done, schedule in your next 10 minute work period.

For many people, once they show up, they are able to keep going. But the point is, each 10 minute investment gives you an opportunity to feel something positive, to make some progress.

Strategy 2: Break the Problem Down into Small Steps

Write down what you think the major problem is. Is it that you hate your job? Is it an issue in a relationship? Is it a health problem? Is it money? Are there a lot of problems that have piled up? Sometimes we get overwhelmed and lose motivation when we can’t figure out how to make change, when the problem feels too big, when we feel discouraged about meeting our goal, or we're unsure what the solution is. 

If there are multiple issues associated with the larger problem, write those down too. Then start to brainstorm solutions to the problem(s) and break the solutions into smaller steps. This helps you to have some structure and gives you a map to follow. Then you can set little goals, such as complete 1 step each weekend or 1 step a day. The important point is that you should make the small steps achievable. Sometimes a step is to get more information, and perhaps nothing more can be done until that happens. If you get stuck coming up with solutions or breaking the solution down into small steps, ask someone for help. You may find after breaking things down, that it’s just one step that is paralyzing you. This might mean getting some courage to push through or finding a way to cope with something that’s uncomfortable.

Strategy 3: Examine Your Thoughts

If you find yourself experiencing a lot of negative thoughts, spend some time answering these questions.

What is the goal?

Example: To feel inspired by my life and feel like my work is meaningful.

What’s the negative thought(s)?

Example: Nothing works out for me. I’m never going to find a better job or meet someone special.

What will happen if I keep thinking this way?

Example: I probably won’t find another job and I will keep feeling bad about myself, which also probably won’t help me meet a great partner.

What is a new, more positive (but believable) thought?

Example: I’m a really kind and loyal person. I am really good at some things. Why should I have a harder time than anyone else who is like me? If I start sending out resumes, I might find something better.

What will happen if I start thinking this way?

Example: I’m more likely to start taking some action and feeling hope. Maybe I’ll socialize more and start feeling better about myself.

Strategy 4: A Little Exercise Outside

This is much harder to do in the winter, I know. But sometimes that cool, brisk air can be really energizing. Exercise is like nature’s antidepressant. It boosts feel good chemicals in our brain. I realize that we are back at square one with this. You need motivation to do it. This is where Tip 1 can be helpful. Try to commit to just 10 minutes of getting your heart rate up in a public space (the park, a gym, speed walking around the block). You could even walk to the next subway stop instead of getting on at the one you usually do. Build it into your day if that’s where you need to start. Push through and do it everyday until your brain starts feeling the positive effects.

Strategy 5: Find Social Support

Getting social support can make a huge difference for many people. If you’ve been isolating yourself for awhile, however, you might not be sure who to call. You can start with just doing some things in public spaces. Read a book at a coffee shop or go to the library or an event in your neighborhood. Think about someone who makes you feel comfortable and who might like to hear from you. If you are spiritual, find a community that shares your faith and start attending regularly.

Strategy 6: Ask For Help

We are all unique and sometimes a list of possible strategies doesn't cut it. We need something more.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When it’s hard to get going, therapy can really make a difference. Individual therapy can give you one-on-one attention each week and help you heal. Group therapy can provide you with peer support, weekly connection, and insight through others’ feedback.

I know finding a therapist can be hard. There are a lot of great therapists out there but you might wonder how to find someone who is the right fit for you. If you are interested in therapy, I offer a free 15 minute phone consultation to help us determine if we are the right fit for each other. If not, I have a large network and will help you find someone who is. 917-689-6530

Faith in Question: When You No Longer Feel Certain About Your Spiritual Faith

Spiritual faith is an important if not foundational part of many people’s lives. It can also be a source of internal conflict and sadness, especially if you come from a tradition that doesn’t allow much space for questioning or difference--and you happen to be questioning or different. While this can happen in any spiritual tradition, my personal experience has largely been with the struggle of individuals who come from a conservative, evangelical Christian background. This is an area of special interest for me, and I’m quite aware of and sensitive to the loneliness and alienation that Christians can experience if they go through a period of questioning faith or questioning the way in which their communities interpret how faith should be lived out. This experience of loneliness and alienation is also often true for those who have been silenced, hurt, or rejected by their church communities because of difference, such as having an LGBT identity. 

It can be a really difficult and scary experience to question in a way that is not welcomed or shared by your faith community. The church often serves as a space for deep connection, valued relationships, identity, belonging, safety, and spiritual fulfillment. The loss that comes with having to decide between being authentic or keeping quiet and “going along” is distressing. Individuals who go through this often struggle to find others who they can safely talk with about their experiences and thoughts on faith. Friends who don’t come from the same faith background may not be able to understand or value the deep meanings and attachments that still feel important. Your sense of identity might even feel threatened, and you may wonder what it will mean for you if you don’t continue in your faith exactly as you were taught. 

Avoiding the questions or pretending you’re someone you’re not usually doesn’t work that well, especially if your faith is meaningful to you. And I’ve come to believe that honesty with yourself is the only way through this difficult path, and for many, this makes the way for a deepening of faith. 

Some books that many on this journey have found beneficial are

A New Kind of Christianity by Brian McLaren

Femmevangelical by Jennifer Crumpton

Torn by Justin Lee (for LGBT from a conservative Christian background)

Books and Workshops by Peter Rollins

I really value offering a safe space where faith can be explored and integrated into your therapy goals at your own pace and in a way that allows you to both embrace your faith and your questions. If you have questions about therapy, don't hesitate to reach out.

Melissa

Get Updates about New Blog Posts

If you find these posts helpful, sign-up to receive notices of new posts here. I will never sell your information. You can unsubscribe at any time. View my privacy policy here.

About Melissa King

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.

Neediness and Dating: What's Healthy?

A common concern among heterosexual women I work with who desire to find a long-term partner is a fear of being needy. These women are usually bright, independent, and socially competent but are frustrated with dating because experiences with potential partners often seem to go nowhere.

Neediness is a trait society tends to associate with women, and many single women quickly absorb the idea that men fear and despise this trait. Women who have not experienced healthy attachment with early male figures are especially likely to buy into the notion that they must be ultra independent and “low maintenance” to attract and keep a man. In an attempt to display these characteristics, these women reject their own longing to be important, to be a priority in someone’s life, and for their normal and healthy emotional needs to be met and cared about by a partner. 

Attracting Unavailable Men

The problem is that this woman seems to attract men who want exactly that from her--to not be needed. She starts to feel like a magnet for men who are emotionally unavailable and uninterested in a committed relationship or in making her a real priority. She often feels frustrated when the man doesn’t plan ahead for dates, allows too much time to go by between texts or phone calls, and sometimes doesn’t follow through with what he says he’ll do. However, when the two do spend time together, there is often a lot of fun and chemistry, and this leads to her feeling confused and hurt when he doesn’t become more attentive and pursue her further. In fact, when she starts to let some of her needs show, he runs.

Certainly, some people expect a partner to fulfill parts of themselves another individual just can’t fill, and it’s important that this is addressed. But most of the women I work with express needs that are normal and healthy. Unfortunately, these very healthy needs likely weren’t positively mirrored or attended to sufficiently when growing up. Even if the woman had a great childhood and a great family, there may have been missing pieces that left her emotional needs partially unmet. So, there’s actually a mysterious familiarity and excitement she feels with potential partners who will ultimately turn out to repeat this same pattern (leaving her needs unmet). Ironically, she may find herself feeling uncomfortable and repelled by men who are capable of being close and who would like to meet her emotional needs.

The Good News

The good news is that women can explore this dynamic in their lives and shift their attraction toward men who are a better match. It takes a lot of hard work and it doesn’t happen overnight, but I’ve seen women do it.  

One thing I work on with a client who has this experience is to help her learn about her needs and to begin to understand them as healthy. It’s also important to build confidence in expressing herself and her needs to others and believing that her expectations in relationships are reasonable. This often requires being vulnerable in new ways, including facing rejection from the unavailable men she hopes will love her. This new vulnerability and confidence can help prepare her for real intimacy with a great guy who shows up and with whom she is attracted. 

We Need Connection

It is okay to need and desire companionship and a committed romantic partner. I don’t mean that someone can’t have a fulfilling single life. There are many singles who are happier than their married counterparts. But we do need community. We need connection. 

Men desire connection too.

The ones who do and who are looking for and able to participate fully in a relationship may not be drawn to you if you’re pretending you’re the “cool girl” who doesn’t need anyone. Many men who want a relationship also want to be needed.

If you think your needs truly are overwhelming to others and unreasonable, this can also be explored in therapy and brought into greater balance as you increase your ability to care for yourself.

If you'd like more self-help support to strengthen your self-esteem and your confidence in what you need, sign up for my free newsletter below.

Melissa

Get Updates about New Blog Posts

If you find these posts helpful, sign-up to receive notices of new posts here. I will never sell your information. You can unsubscribe at any time. View my privacy policy here.

About Melissa King

I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.

Facing Problem after Problem: Thoughts on Coping

The cold, gray winter is quickly approaching and this seasonal change tends to correspond with periodic or persistent low mood for many. Problems and worries can really feel heavier. It might be hard to believe, but this experience can have value. It can become a time of wrestling with our humanity, connecting to what’s meaningful in our lives, and increasing our awareness and sensitivity to the reality of struggle for others. 

As you move through adulthood, you might begin to feel like life is rarely free of problems, and this can be disillusioning. Most of us are taught that if we work hard and do all the right things, life will work out well for us, and we won’t suffer the problems that others face. So when you continue to have struggle after struggle, you might start to feel like something is wrong with you, that you really screwed up or made the wrong decision somewhere along the line, that maybe you should've listened to (fill in the blank), or maybe the world or God just has it in for you.

The good news is that it really is not just you. Life is hard--for most of us. We might have brief reprieves from carrying around a problem that has to be tackled, but some problems will stick around or come back, and while we may solve others, we’re likely to find a new one lurking not too far away.

But if you just keep focusing on problem after problem, thinking life will be okay once you've crossed this final hurdle, you may soon find yourself exhausted and lose hope for a good future. What can be more helpful is to step back for a second and work on coming to a place of acceptance--that this is part of being human--and focus on growing your ability to cope with the problem of facing problems. The challenge is less about the individual issues and more about learning to come to terms with being a human who must deal with problems, some quite painful, throughout life.

I know it can be very difficult when facing your particular challenges, to look around you and perceive that others seem to have it so much easier, to be more successful, or to have the resources to handle their problems easier. Often this is just our perception. A friend once said to me, "People’s outsides often look better than their insides." This is so true. But it’s also true that, while no life will be free of painful problems, some lives face greater and/or more frequent challenges than others. And this can certainly add feelings of grief to our own personal experience and questions about our lot in life.

There are ways of finding more peace and increasing your coping skills. Below is a list of some tools people use to begin this journey:

Faith and Spirituality
Meditation Practices
Actively seeking community and authentic relationships
Group Therapy--a great way to work on problems, connect with others, and better understand your own relationship dynamics (I'll be posting new groups for 2016 soon). 
Psychotherapy
Reading others’ stories: Memoirs, biographies
Changing your thoughts about what you’re going through. 
Practicing self-compassion
Including meaningful activities, when possible, even while coping with the problems. Actively practice making sure your life goes on.

A few books some of my clients are raving about that have been helpful:

Feeling Good by David Burns
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of the Buddha by Tara Brach
The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis

Receive new blog posts via email: Enter your email address in the box at the upper right hand corner of the website. 

Individual and couples therapy are available at my office in Midtown, Manhattan. Call or send an email to set up a free phone consultation.  

Melissa

Melissa King, LMHC : Psychotherapist
Relationship and Self-Esteem Counseling
141 E. 35th St., New York, NY 10016
917-689-6530

If you are looking for a safe space to explore your concerns and heal but are unsure how to choose a therapist, email or call me for a free 15-minute phone consultation. Together we can determine whether we're a good fit and if not, I will help you find someone who is. melissa@myheartdances.com

My Body...Finally.

This inspiring video about women and body image was created by myself and photographer Fernando Cuestas in 2012. It existed on my previous website before I was a psychotherapist, but I feel the message is important and am so proud of the women that participated that I am providing a new home for the video and it's accompanying text on this blog.

Published July 9, 2012

Struggles with body image affect women of all shapes and sizes. Body consciousness is not just about weight and shape, but it includes skin color, skin tone, hair, eyes, etc. It is made up of all the things so many of us worry about and try to hide or perfect before we walk out the door (or decide which pictures of ourselves we’ll permit others to see).

I love to see women who are comfortable and confident in their skin despite being a different size or shape than what our society markets as the ideal. I love seeing a woman who doesn’t lose her confidence or her great smile just because she has a blemish.

I don’t think we see enough of real women’s bodies (shapes, sizes, blemishes) in a positive context. Even amongst friends, we often hide what we think are our imperfections. I think that if we were exposed to more of what is real and natural, we would all be more comfortable and confident with ourselves.

When I began dreaming about putting a project like this together, I asked Fernando Cuestas if he would be interested in partnering with me. I had worked with him in the past and found that he has an instinctive ability to make a woman feel comfortable and confident in front of the camera. He also has experience in the fashion world, so I thought it would be interesting to incorporate his background into a photo shoot with everyday women - but to leave the images unaltered.

The women who participated in this project are women in my life who I find beautiful and who I knew would want to speak out on this topic. I invited many more women than are seen here (of various ethnicities, ages, and sizes) but not all of the women were available to participate. There were a few women who declined because they didn’t feel comfortable with their bodies. I don’t blame them. Society has not made it easy for us to step out into the world just as we are.

My hope for this project is that it will play a part in advancing a much bigger movement that is helping women to accept and be kind to their bodies. I don’t want any woman to miss out on experiences because she is ashamed of her body – whether that means going to the beach in a bathing suit or smiling at someone she finds attractive.

If you are impacted by this video in any way, please join the conversation in the comments below or tweet #mybodyfinally. If you want to make your own video, go for it. We need women of all races, ages, sizes, etc. to stand up!   

Did you hear me?

We need you. We need each other. The more women who risk being confident in front of the world just as they are helps everyone.

Thank you to each of the courageous woman who participated in this project with me.