Feeling Lonelier Since COVID?
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I have noticed an increase in feelings of loneliness among patients lately. It’s not that surprising I suppose. Culture has changed so much since COVID. So many events happen virtually now. Classes and activities you used to do in person are now conveniently online. If your work can be done at home, you probably aren’t required to go into your office everyday. You might even feel resentful if your company makes you come in at all. If you do go into an office, you might be surprised to see your colleagues taking meetings virtually from their desk despite being able to see each other from across the room.
While this change in culture has certainly created more convenience, it has also increased feelings of isolation and disconnection. Despite feeling isolated and lonely, you may have difficulty getting motivated to leave home, even if you know it would make you feel better. You might even feel out of practice and more unsure of yourself in social situations than you did before. Or maybe you’ve become depressed, which adds to the difficulty of getting out to socialize or do something fun.
Less Opportunities To Connect
If you don’t have family close by or a core group of people who get together regularly, it can feel like a lot of effort to stay connected to others. Just 5 years ago, even if you found it hard to socialize, you would have some social experience just by showing up at work. You may have even had a built in after-work activity a couple times a week that you participated in before going home. If you live in NYC, commuting was shared with many others and offered opportunities for casual social interaction, even if brief. Being out and about could make you feel part of the world.
Of course the good news is that many more people who would not have access to certain activities, due to location or time constraints, can now participate. But with that comes the loss of those small but important opportunities to interact with people when waiting for an event to start or exchanging reactions at the end. Without this, you are less likely to identify those people you feel at ease with or want to see again. We miss opportunities for touch, even if just a handshake or an embracing greeting. We miss opportunities to be seen, for someone to notice how we might be feeling and to witness our lives. These are important experiences that can help us feel connected.
Making New Friends
If you have a built in network of friends or a close family who regularly get together, you may not notice these losses as much. But if you are single and living at a distance from those you love, or you’ve grown apart from old friends due to people moving, getting married, or having children, you may feel alone more than you’d like. Many people discover that it is much harder to make close friends as an adult.
No matter how you came to feel isolated or lonely, whether this is a new experience or something you have struggled with at times over many years, it will likely take more intentional effort to change it now. Finding opportunities will require more thought. And I know this can feel much harder if you are depressed or low on self-esteem. But I want you to know that there are others out there who are also lonely and longing for connection.
A Practical Place to Start
It can be helpful to begin thinking about what you naturally find pleasure in or are curious about.
What did you used to enjoy doing that you no longer do?
What would you like to learn?
What is something that interests you that you could also do with others?
I strongly recommend that people who are feeling isolated or lonely try to identify an activity that occurs weekly where many of the same people attend regularly. This could be a class, amateur sports league, art sketching group, faith based community, volunteer organization, book club, or even a support group. By finding an activity that meets at the same time each week, it becomes a reliable, consistent event that you can attend. If others also attend regularly, the relationships can develop naturally over time. You may choose to get together with people outside of the group but developing relationships doesn’t have to be reliant on this. You can start by simply being consistent in your attendance.
Something Predictable and Consistent
You may have to try a few groups or activities before committing. And once you find something you like, that you enjoy enough to go weekly, you can start talking with others at the pace that is right for you. This is one of the easiest ways to begin to meaningfully engage with people when you feel isolated, doing something that is a shared interest with others that is predictable and consistent.
Certainly some groups will be more open and friendly than others. And some groups cater more toward group interaction than others. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find the right group for you at first. Give yourself some time.
This is just one way to build connection in your life if you are feeling lonely. That said, sometimes we become isolated for reasons that are difficult to understand or explain. Sometimes we just can’t shake off sadness, grief, or anxious thoughts. If you are still having trouble getting out or feeling impeded by depression, low self-esteem, or anxiety, individual therapy may be of help.
If you are in the NYC area, I offer weekly in person therapy. Therapy can give you an opportunity to talk through your concerns in an understanding and safe place. It can give you a supportive environment to understand yourself better and to find the strength to make change.
If you are interested in therapy, please don’t hesitate to reach out for a brief, complimentary phone consultation to see if we may be a good fit to work together. You can contact me at 917-689-6530, email at melissa@myheartdances.com or message me securely on Signal.
Resources for Activities in NYC
If you are in NY, below are some resources for group activities to get you started on your search.
ZogSports: https://www.zogsports.com/ny/
Play NYC: https://playnycsports.com/
NYC Trivia League: https://nyctrivialeague.com/ (Contact them via their form to be connected to a team)
New York Cares: https://www.newyorkcares.org
YMCA: https://ymcanyc.org/programs/health-fitness/adult-sports
The New York Society for Ethical Culture: https://ethical.nyc/
Metropolitan Community Church of NY: A Church of LGBTQ People and Allies: https://www.mccny.org/
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About Melissa King
I am a licensed mental health counselor in New York City with a psychotherapy office in the neighborhood of Murray Hill in Manhattan. Find out more about me here. I'd love to hear from you. Email me if there's a topic you'd like to read about here.
**Information on this site is not intended to replace medical advice and does not constitute a psychotherapeutic relationship with the reader.
